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August 3rd, 2007

[info]accio_arse11:40 pm - FIC: Remus has a really good idea (R)
Title: Remus Has A Really Good Idea
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, transformed Remus/transformed Remus
Rating: R, mostly humour
Warnings: Sex as the werewolf (but not bestiality). Sex magic. Shy!Remus. Warnings for shameless use of Monty Python.
Wordcount: 1100ish
Prompt: Remus/himself or Remus/crossover character, outdoor sex or sex involving orifices that don't normally exist (like wounds, I suppose, or some sort of magical hole
Recipient: for apiphile who likes bees, apparently. (Apiphile=one who is aroused by bees.) I’m not sure this is exactly sure what you meant, but it's got boysnogging in it, so enjoy!
Big kisses to: my beta, busaikko who as well as knowing a lot about Python, is generally fab.

Originally written for pervy_werewolf on LJ, for their Christmas Kink 2006 Challenge.

An itchy drop of sweat nagged its ticklish way down Remus’ back. He hitched in his breath. On the sunlight-dappled grass, the impossibly handsome Sirius Black was fishing one hand between the buttons of his white shirt, lazy fingers stroking his chest beneath. Remus stole another tantalising glimpse, then forced himself to look away.

“I’m sorry, Evans?” drawled Sirius. “What in the name of Merlin’s green bollocks was that rubbish you just came out with?”

Lily folded her arms behind her head and repeated in a bored monotone: “I love this hive employee-ee, bisected accidentally, one summer afternoon by me, I love him carnally. Semi-carnally.”

Sirius snorted. “You’re loonier than a cage of Fwoopers.”

“Excuse me. My mother and I were singing ‘Eric the Half-a-Bee’ together all over the summer holidays. Have you something to say about that?”

“Only that your family are a bunch of raving Muggle dingbats.”

Lily squealed and dug Sirius in the ribs. He retaliated by grabbing her long red hair.

“Come on, Remus!” she appealed, panting. “You’re half Muggle! Have you never heard of it?”

“Yeah, Moony,” said Sirius, casually. “Got any dimwit Muggle sayings?”

Remus lowered his head. He always felt nervous when other people started to attack each other, even when they were just mucking about, and he especially didn’t want to get roped into contradicting Sirius. Suddenly, he felt the heat of Sirius’ eyes on the side of his face. It was as if his whole body had been petrified.

“Tell us another one, Evans,” said Sirius, quietly.

This time Lily threw her heart into it. She stood up and began to screech, “Ni! Ni! Ni! We are the Knights Who Say Ni! We want… a shrubbery!”

“Crackpot Muggles!” said Sirius, contemptuously. “First bestiality, now bushes.” He thought it over, his fingers still playing under his shirt. “Although I suppose some trees can be quite sexy.”

Lily laughed so hard that Sirius had to throw his shoe at her to shut her up.


Remus was in the library. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way Sirius’ fingers had slipped under his thin shirt, touching the bare skin underneath.

I suppose some trees can be quite sexy.

Oh, God. He was getting a stiffy, right here by the study desks. Remus turned towards the shelves to hide his embarrassment.

Immediately in front of him was a copy of Embarrassing Magical Oozes and Emissions by J P Spurtworthy. Remus fought back a groan and rolled his hips in frustration.

Another title caught his attention: So You Want To Be A Tree? 69 Species For Easy Transformation! Remus’ mind began to speed up. Sirius thought trees were sexy… he wanted to impress Sirius… here was a book which could show him how to become the sexiest tree in the whole bloody Wizarding World… it was all so logical!

Later on, he would claim that the blood rush from his brain and towards his groin was to blame for what happened.


So far, the ‘easy tree transformation’ book hadn’t lived up to its promise.

Remus stood and looked at the strange gnarly specimen in front of him. He was pretty definite that the tree hadn’t been there a minute ago – but shouldn’t he have transformed into a tree, not created a new one? It was all very confusing.

He slowly put his hand towards it; even stranger. The bark beneath his fingers was pulsing with life, like a very slow heartbeat.

He carefully read the instructions again. At the very bottom of the page there was some microscopic, hard-to-read print. Why was his eyesight always so dodgy just before the full moon? Really annoying. Remus squinted one last time. Did that really say Species: Arbor Autoerotica? That couldn’t mean what he thought it did – could it?


“Right,” said Remus, feeling rather foolish. “What now?”

“This is the tree!” Sirius flashed his teeth in the wide, perfect smile that Remus had come to associate with his stomach trembling and flipping over.

It was the gnarly specimen that Remus had created only days before. Sirius slapped a careless hand onto its rough bark. “You really don’t remember?”

“Remember what?” asked Remus, anxiously.

Smirking again, Sirius dipped an arm into a deep mossy knot low down on the tree’s trunk. His fingers came out covered in white, dripping slime.

“Guess what this is, Moony!”

Remus shook his head, but a terrible memory was starting to force its way up.

“It’s werewolf spunk! I watched you put it there!”

Remus took a step backwards in horror. It was all flooding back - the rough bark under his werewolf belly, the woody smell driving him mad with arousal, plunging himself into the tree again and again – and then the incredible, blissful sense of release.

Oh no. Sirius had watched him rut with and shoot his sperm into a tree. He must think Remus was absolutely disgusting. There was no chance now, not the slightest… it felt as though a heavy, sour weight had settled around Remus’ ribcage.

“Yes indeed,” continued Sirius gleefully. “First Moony lifted his leg against the tree, as per usual. But then, I saw you getting a little bit more excited. Is there something special about this tree, Remus, or do trees in general just turn you on? Because your great big werewolf cock came right out…”

“Please…” interrupted Remus, trying to hide his face in his collar.

“Don’t you want to hear about how you shagged the tree senseless?” Sirius stepped closer. “If I were you, I’d be checking my dick for splinters. Or,” Sirius was right beside him now, whispering into Remus’ ear, “you could get someone else to check for that.”

Remus was so startled that his face bumped into the side of Sirius’. Surely he didn’t mean…?

“Don’t you want me to, Moony?” breathed Sirius. “Why else do you think I’ve been getting Evans to insist we hang out together, away from Prongs and Wormtail?”

Realisation burst in on Remus. Gasping, he flung Sirius against the tree with a thud, desperate to finally touch what he’d spent so long fantasising about. He stretched up to Sirius’ mouth but the other boy was already on his and…

The tree gave a long, painful moan, quivered, shook and bucked the two boys right off its surface. Sirius had a strange, sticky, white substance smeared all over his back, where Remus had pushed him against the trunk.

“You all right?” asked Remus. “I… um… think that tree might be magical.”

Sirius lifted one suspicious eyebrow.

A tiny, furtive smile appeared on Remus’ face. Of course he was going to tell Sirius what he’d done. Didn’t he always? Just not at this exact moment.

No, right now he could think of something he’d far rather be doing.

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