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January 26th, 2008

[info]accio_arse03:00 pm - SHORT BOOSHFIC: Completely Normal, Howard/Vince PG-13
Title: Completely Normal
Pairing: Howard/Vince
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 1400
Disclaimer: Not my characters, I do not own the Boosh
Notes: Written for the kink meme (prompt below), tarted up a bit now. [info]llief told me she likes this, so I’m posting it now.
Summary: Vince wants Howard to give it a go. After all, it’s completely normal.

Howard shifted his eyes. He twitched his mouth to the side. “I won’t have to take my clothes off - will I?”

The edge of Vince’s tiny pink tongue flickered out. If he licked, he could taste his own raspberry lipgloss. He wondered when Howard would stop moaning.

“Because I’m not taking my clothes off, Vince. And that’s final.”

“Don’t worry, Howard. I can do it fine through what you’re wearing.”

“Oh. Well. I suppose... It’s just… I’ve never done this before.”

“Yeah, so you keep saying! You’ve only told me about a hundred times now!”

“Well, sorry for taxing your brain!” Howard clenched his fists. “So. Where do you want me?”

Vince looked around the shop. He idly played with his hair. “I dunno. Where d’you think would be handy? On the counter? How about the floor - no, that’s way too cold. Or we could do it on this chair. Yeah, on my chair! It spins round and everything!”

Howard tentatively took up position. He glared at Vince. “Well, come on, then!”

But Vince was still busy playing with his hair. He kinked his head to one side, a little smile on his face. “Howard? Did you ever think what it’d be like if Gary Numan and a jet plane made babies together? How cool would that be? They’d be able to get in themselves and fly themselves to their own gigs! Or how about if Numan, a jet plane, and a purple unicorn…”

“Vince! This was your big idea! You know, I can always change my mind…”

“Hey, no need to shout,” said Vince, dragging his feet as he came over. “Okay. So I’m gonna have to warn you - this may feel a little weird at first.”

“I don’t like to be touched,” said Howard, gritting his teeth.

“Yeah, I know!” said Vince, rolling his eyes. “You keep telling me that as well! But try to relax anyway, okay?”

Two seconds later, Howard had jumped as high as a flea on a trampoline.

Vince sighed. “Come on, now! At least give it a bit of a go!”

“I am trying! That was me trying!”

“Could have fooled me,” said Vince.

“I just can’t help it!”

“Yes you can. Just take a big deep breath… and let it all out. And again… Now - how’re you feeling?”

“Not good,” said Howard. “Like someone’s forcing me to sit in a stupid spinning chair while they do unknown things to my torso.”

“Well, just sit there while I do this…” Vince began to make tiny little circles with his thumb, easing at the muscles in Howard’s right shoulder. He was more gentle this time, trying not to scare him away.

“Well. That’s alright. I suppose.”

“Okay. So say when it actually begins to feel good, right?” Vince worked across Howard’s shoulders, feeling for all the tight places. Needless to say, there were about a million.

Frowning, tongue sticking out as he worked, he began to concentrate harder. He moved along, massaging one tiny area at a time. The muscles softened and gave in as he went.

Suddenly, Howard let out a tiny groan.

“Hey, you liked that, did you?” said Vince, grinning, pushing again on the muscles of Howard’s neck. Howard – always so tight and wound up. Just a big clockwork moustache with cords on.

“Uhhhh…. uhhhhh. Yeah.”

Vince stopped. “Oh. So you think you might like this after all?”

“I might,” said Howard. He bent his head to one side, exposing his neck. Inviting more touch.

“Really? Do you really, really?”

“For Chrissake, Vince!”

Vince stroked down the length of Howard’s neck with his fingertips, catching a hundred little hairs as he went. Howard shivered in response.

Vince’s fingers finally arrived at the muscle that had caused the groan. He pushed his thumb back down, carefully, deeply, and circled, feeling the tension go crunch.

“Urrrrrghh… God, yes Vince. Yes. That’s the one.”

Vince’s tongue was peeking out between his teeth again as he smiled.

“Please. Vince…a bit lower.”

Vince moved down the muscle. He kept contact, fingers on skin, going under the collar of Howard’s shirt, then across the shoulders. The muscles just gave in and wobbled in his wake. They didn’t stand a chance.

“Oh God… Vince. I’m… melting. Ahhhh.”

Perhaps it was Howard’s deep northern moans, perhaps it was the prolonged skin contact, but Vince had begun to feel rather warm. He stood closer by the chair, trying to hide his reaction. The fabric of his trousers had become tighter, and what inside was twitching with every new groan from Howard.

Then Vince looked down and saw Howard’s reaction as well.

Howard’s eyes flicked open. He caught Vince staring at the tenting in his lap and his hands flew to cover it. “I mean… it’s normal, right? I’ve not done this before … It’s been like that almost since the start.”

“Yeah, sure,” said Vince, bluffing. “Don’t worry. It always happens. Every time!”

“Just a purely physical reaction, right? As you said, it’s nothing to worry about.” Howard removed his hands in tiny, jerky bursts. “There.”

Now both of them were staring at Howard’s clothed erection. With all the attention it was getting, it became even more insistent, straining the trouser fabric and trying to point at the ceiling. There was a tight wet spot at the top.

“A man of action doesn’t waste time worrying about such things. So – shall we continue?”

Vince pushed his now-dizzying stiffness into the back of the chair. He suppressed a moan, trying to play it cool. “Yeeeeeah. Okay. Sure thing.”

This time Vince was careful to keep a layer of shirt between them as he worked. But every time he touched Howard, even slightly, Vince heard his reaction, deep and breathy. And now Vince knew what it was doing to him, and could see it too, in the straining of Howard’s trousers.

So, okay. He’d just look at something else - at Howard’s mouth. Yeah, that would do. Vince had never really thought about Howard’s mouth before – it lived beneath the mocha froth moustache, that sad excuse for facial hair, and that was pretty much it.

But now that mouth was looking kind of different. Howard was pulling it wide open, panting, now he was biting on the lower lip, now he was gasping again…. Had those lips always been so red, lick-shiny and swollen? Vince found himself thinking - I could just bend down and kiss…

Or perhaps he’d just spin the chair round. Jump up, throw his legs around Howard, straddle him, and push themselves together, rubbing…

Vince felt hot and cold all at once. He couldn’t take this any more. If Howard moaned again like that - just one more time. Oh my God, he’d do anything, just to stop Howard bloody well moaning. He’d shove his mouth on top, suck on Howard’s tongue, let Howard suck on his… Vince started to feel a bit faint.

“Vince?” Howard’s voice was breathy. “You’ve stopped.”


“Any… reason?“

Yeah, Howard. Cos I want to jump you so rotten I might just break your cock off. Vince took a in deep breath. “Y’know. Just ‘cos…“

Howard shifted in his chair. He tried to readjust the fabric round his crotch, felt Vince’s captivated eyes on him from behind, and stopped. Very slowly, he spun the chair around until they were both facing each other. “Vince? This isn’t really that normal, is it?”

Vince pulled his knees together, trying to minimise the horribly obvious bulge in his shiny red jumpsuit. “What d’you mean?”

Howard got out of the chair. He came forward, and put his hand firmly onto Vince’s crotch. “Every time you give a massage, to get like this. Tell me if I’m wrong.”

Vince felt Howard’s hand push down on his erection. He thought his thighs would melt with the relief. His head pushed past Howard’s shoulder as he fell.

“There, there, little man. I’ve got you now.”

Vince flowed into Howard. He flexed his body closer, wanting even more. Then their erections met, and it blasted hard like fire. Howard gave a deep moan and the vibrations touched Vince all the way through his ribcage.

I can’t stand it, Vince thought. I was right. I can’t stand it any more.

And as they kissed, Vince hoped that Howard had been right as well. Surely everyone didn’t get this hard and horny after a massage. It’s got to be something more, he thought, it must be. Or at least, Vince hoped it was. Otherwise he was in big trouble.

After all, yesterday, he’d spent half an hour massaging Naboo.

And on Tuesday, he’d done Bollo. And that time it had been with oils.


And this was the original kink meme prompt: It's a cliché, but back rubs that turn into teh smexings is one of my kinks. That bit in Tundra where Vince tries to give Howard a back rub could have turned out so nicely pornographic.

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