Licking the Salt from the Biscuit of Life - SHORT BOOSHFIC: Midnight Crimping, Howard/Vince (PG)

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January 29th, 2008

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07:51 pm - SHORT BOOSHFIC: Midnight Crimping, Howard/Vince (PG)
Title: Midnight Crimping
By: accio_arse
Pairing: Howard/Vince
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I WISH I OWNED HOWARD AND VINCE! But I don’t. Nor any other part of the Booshiverse.

Also, this is very childish. And very probably about willies.


By the end of it, Howard and Vince were lying on their backs, lightly panting, slightly sweaty, and both completely satisfied.

It was the best midnight crimp they’d had in months.

Vince got up, touching Howard on the shoulder. He started to strip off his crimping vest and pants. “Hey, that was genius! With the banana and the xylophone and the music of the fruits! But sleepy time now, right?”

Howard went over to his own bed. He took off his vest and pants, but then threw them on the floor, completely ignoring his special underwear laundry casket. With his back to Vince, he curled up on top of his tweed bedspread and started to fidget.

Vince walked over, little blue pants still dangling from his hand. “Hey, Howard. What’s up?”

“Nothing! Go away!”

“No really, Howard. What you doing?”

Howard turned halfway round. “I was just thinking.”

“What you thinking, Howard?”

“That perhaps it’s too… big.”

Vince rolled his eyes. “Well, it’s only going to get bigger if you keep on poking it!”

Howard pulled his hands away. “Really? Touching it makes it bigger?”

Vince bounced back onto his bed. He propped himself onto one elbow, stroking his fingers in a lazy arc across his naked hip. “C’mon, Howard, of course it does! How can you not know that? How old are you, anyway?”

“Um… thirty two?”

“Yeah, right! Sure you are. Well, just don’t touch it, that’s all. Cos if you touch it too much, it’ll grow about twice the size it is now. Perhaps bigger. And then it goes red. Crazy red! Purple too.”

“No way! … really?”

“Yeah, really!”

“How do you know?”

“Only ‘cos Leroy told me so last Tuesday.”

Howard made a forceful noise of disbelief. “Leroy? And you believe everything he says, do you?”

Vince was sucking on the end of his thumbnail now. He looked up. “Dunno. I might.”

Howard unwound – but only enough to glare over at Vince. “Well, I don’t. And anyway. It’s not like yours is that perfect, either.”

Vince sat up. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well. Come on.”

“I’ve had no complaints so far.”

“But look at it!” Howard gestured. “It’s all weird and bent over. At least mine goes straight up and down.”

Vince grinned. He stretched himself across on the bed, lifting his narrow hips and wiggling with sadistic pleasure. “Now I know that you’re jealous. Because all the girls - they love my little kink. They’re always stroking it and giving little coos.”

“That’s news to me!”

“Well, they’re not going to do it in public, are they? I take them somewhere quiet and let them do it there.”

Howard snorted.

“Course, you wouldn’t know anything about it. No girl’s ever going to do that to yours. Seeing as how it’s so massive and deformed and all that.”

Howard jumped off the bed, grabbed a mirror off a side table and angled it round, trying to get a better view of the offending body part. He pulled the mirror close. Then further away. Then close again. “What, deformed? You… really think so?”

Vince rolled his eyes. He could read Howard like a week-old copy of Crimping Lover’s Daily. In just a second – yeah – there it went. The first wibble, right in Howard’s lower lip area. Next went his eyes, wetting up like a used tissue. Now his shoulders started to jerk.

Oh God. He supposed he should say something nice to the great big deformity. “Well. It doesn’t look so bad from straight on. Or in a low light. Yeah – perhaps you should just stand in shadows a lot. That’d do.“

But Vince’s kind words didn’t seem to work. Howard just looked even more frantic.

“Or you could get some surgery.”

“No!” shouted Howard. He dropped the mirror and formed his hands into a protective cup.

“Howard - now you’re touching it even more! That’s gonna make it worse, innit?”

With a horrified squeal, Howard released his hands.

“Anyway – so I’m going to sleep now. See you in the morning, yeah? Nighty night.” And with that, Vince bounced up to his light switch, pinged it off, then threw back the covers. He snuggled down happily under his purple chiffon duvet.

There were a few seconds of silence. A nervous little whisper swelled up in the semi-gloom. “Vince? Don’t leave me. Not now. I don’t think I can sleep after that.”

Vince turned over. Purple chiffon rustled. “Just try anyway, yeah?”

“I can’t. Not now I know about… the touching.”

Vince put his pillow on top of his head.

“What if it grows even bigger in the night? It could happen. Grow to the size of an adult kangaroo or something. What if I touch it without knowing I’m doing it? In a dream or something? Vince? Are you awake?”

Vince pulled his pillow away. He’d decided to use some flexibility with the truth. “Okay. So, Leroy told me something else - I just forgot to say earlier. It’s that sleep touching doesn’t count.”

“It doesn’t?”

“Well, that’s what Leroy said. If anything, it makes it go smaller. Like it’s negative touching. By the morning it’s the size of a grape.”

Howard thought about this a bit. He peeled back his crisp white sheets and slowly got inside.

“So that’s you, then? You happy now?”

Howard just grunted in reply. He was too busy tucking sheets and blankets neatly back around himself, the same as he did every night.

Vince’s stuffed his face beneath his pillow, so his next words came out muffled. “Course, even if your nose were the size of a foetus peanut, you still wouldn’t get any girls to touch it.”

Howard lifted a sleepy head. “Wha?”

“Nothing! Sleep!”

“Y’okay.” Howard batted a heavy arm and his light turned off. His body slumped. “Thans Vinsss. Youragoo frien. Youknow at? Vinsss? Iloveyou.”

Vince lifted up. “You what now?”

But there was no reply back - just a deep and gentle snore.

Vince lay on his back. He played with the silver fringing all around his duvet. After a few minutes, he turned over. Then he switched his bedside light back on. He searched in a drawer until he found some paints and a brush. Carefully, he picked out just the right shades.

With swift, firm brushstrokes, he painted.

Finally, he stood back to admire his handiwork. He saw a renegade smudge, and dipped in, using his thumb to wipe it clean. There. Perfect. Howard’s nose, painted red and shiny, with a just one bright splodge of purple on the tip.

Vince bent over. His lips hovered so low they almost kissed Howard’s forehead. “You batty crease. I love you too. But I do some of my best work when you’re oblivious.”


(Indulge your wild theories here)


Date:January 31st, 2008 02:13 pm (UTC)
Clever that!
You'll be pleased to know that you actually had me fooled right up to “Course, even if your nose were the size of a foetus peanut, you still wouldn’t get any girls to touch it.”!

You captured that amazing childlike quality the Boosh seem to be able to maintain throughout, even when they're dealing with some disturbing adult themes.

[User Picture]
Date:January 31st, 2008 05:18 pm (UTC)
Well, in my mind, it really was about their... other parts. And the icon may have been misleading. (I love that icon, I basically wrote this story in honour of it.) A very silly fic, don't you think?

I don't think this one was too disturbing. My first ever PG Booshfic, in fact. I was amazed. Some of my other fics have definitely been disturbing, though. Anything with Fossil heh heh.

Thanks for your comment!
Date:January 31st, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
It's a very 'silly' fic which is why it's so enjoyable.
I find it hard to believe this was your first Boosh fic as it was so totally set in the third series in my head as I was reading it.

And the icon, well...yes.
I still can't reconcile the two sides of Julian Barratt; the reclusive exhibitionist. Endlessly fascinating! Strange that Howard has the same personality traits. Ha!

I followed your links and am now on blue_boosh as well. It's quite impressive so far and your cataloguing system is a great help. Still got loads of catching up to do!

Hope it's still OK to communicate via this site - read your recent comment about LJ posting. Sorry if I respond slowly to your valued replies - I don't get e-mail alerts from IJ.


Date:January 31st, 2008 07:26 pm (UTC)
Must read more carefully - first PG Booshfic.
Ignore previous comments - sorry!

[User Picture]
Date:January 31st, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC)
Yes, I was just about to reply! My first PG Booshfic. My first Booshfic was my Howard/Mrs Gideon. Porn, alas. And it was het too, shocker!

I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you over 18? I went to your LJ journal and couldn't see any age statement. I get a bit uncomfortable about underage people reading my porn. I can't stop anyone, of course, and people can always lie. I just don't want to encourage it.

Date:January 31st, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
Well over!!
And well flattered to be asked!!

And as for the age statement - I've found that it's amazing the impact numbers can have on people's perceptions of you once you pass a certain number of birthdays, so I chose not to reveal for that reason. "I am not a number; I am a free (wo)man!"
However, I'll more than happily e-mail you any details you like.

And I enjoyed your Mrs Gideon fic too. Poor Howard...again!

[User Picture]
Date:February 1st, 2008 02:13 am (UTC)
I used to put on my userinfo 'I am over 18' just so I could get accepted to adult-only comms I applied for. Otherwise, I agree, it's not most people's business. Since I moved to IJ I've put more detailed age info on there, mostly in the hope of meeting people my own age, I think, since most of my flist stayed on LJ.

No, it's fine. I just saw that you're a member of blue_boosh, which is over 18s only, so obviously I didn't need to worry.

Yeah, poor Howard. I do like teasing him. It's my favourite hobby.
Date:February 1st, 2008 02:43 am (UTC)
Thanks for that. 'Over 18' is a good tip and one I shall use in future!

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