Licking the Salt from the Biscuit of Life - SHORT BOOSHFIC: silly mpreg crack

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February 2nd, 2008


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07:48 am - SHORT BOOSHFIC: silly mpreg crack
Title: Babies are Genius! crossposted to blue_boosh
By: [info]accio_arse
Pairing: Howard/Vince and BABIES!
Rating: It’s harmless crack. PG?
Warning: MPREG! (male pregnancy)
Disclaimer: I don’t own the Boosh in the slightest. But if this disturbs the Boosh badly enough, it may even get into their next series.
Summary: Howard gets himself knocked up.





Based on this photograph of Howard Moon, because he is clearly at least six months gone in it.


*



Howard shuffled over to a chair in his special arch-supporting sandals and lowered himself very carefully. He laid one hand on his massively pregnant belly. “Yeah, very nice.”

Vince held up a little piece of fabric - purple, pink and gold, and shimmering in the light. He waved it at Howard. “Nice? It’s genius! It’s a baby cape. I got it down Camden market, from this designer. His stall is made entirely from golden spoons once owned by Freddie Mercury!”

“But you were out for seven hours there. You didn’t happen to get anything practical?”

“Yeah! Of course I did!” Vince fished around in his bag and pulled out a miniature glitter suit. He held the suit next to Howard’s stomach. “It’s a bit small now, p’raps. But if the baby just lays off the pies for a while…”

“Too late!” shouted Howard. “It’s started! Oh my God! I just felt my waters break!”

Vince began to bounce up and down on his three inch wedge heels. “I’m gonna be a dad! I’m gonna have kiddies! I’m gonna be able to pass on the secrets of lipgloss and haircare to the next generation!” He suddenly stopped. “Waters? Howard? You haven’t got any waters… do you?”

“Don’t know, Vince! But here they coooooome!”

*

Howard’s eyes were shifty, looking everywhere but in the direction of Vince. “Yeah. I really don’t know how that happened.”

Vince stood at the end of the hospital bed, his arms crossed, and staring straight at Howard. “Don’t you? Funny, cos I have a pretty good idea.”

The baby Howard was cradling opened its rosebud mouth. It let out a tiny belch, and then, in a distinct Chicago accent pronounced, “Nipple cake sandwich!” At that, the two other babies in the cots by the bed started up as well. Soon, the air was filled with wailing cries of, “Suck on that subsection!” and, “Note to self – pocketcup!”

Vince pointed at the babies. “What’s with the little blue safari suits? Did you really have to dress them all up like that? It’s just sick!”

Howard shrugged. He helped the baby fasten back onto a nipple and looked on fondly as it began to suck. “They just came out like that. If I try to put them in normal babygros, they scream their heads off and call me Mother F.”

Vince wrinkled up his nose. “Well, they ain’t mine, that’s for sure. I tried to put a cape on one earlier and it bit me. Are you sure you didn’t fool around with another bloke?”

Howard immediately welled up in tears. “I just gave birth to your three children, Vince, and you ask me a question like that! I’m wrecked, my hormones are all over the place, I’ve got another two feeds to do, and my nipples are horribly tender already! Men! You just don’t care!”

“No, no, I do care! I’m sorry I said anything!” Vince came over and put an arm around Howard’s shoulder. The polyester blue-outfitted baby in Howard’s arms was now doing some sort of bizarre dance. It involved wetting his tiny fingers, sticking out his body parts and touching them.

Howard sniffed. “You really mean it? You really love our babies?”

Vince set a kiss on Howard’s forehead. “Of course, Howard! Of course I love our babies!”

The door to the ward clashed open. Both Howard and Vince turned round and saw a blue suited visitor, carrying three huge fluffy gorillas. He strode around to the babies’ cots and looked in.

“Hey there, little ones, ain’t you the cutest! You must be the best looking babies there ever was. Yes, sir!" He winked at Howard and licked his lips. "And you can take that from your Uncle Bobby!”


*




Um.... do I need a disclaimer here to say that I photoshopped this and it never really happened? No, I didn't think so.

(Indulge your wild theories here)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:[info]omarandjohnny
Date:February 2nd, 2008 08:55 am (UTC)
(Link)
If I try to put them in normal babygros, they scream their heads off and call me Mother F.

::falls out of chair howling::

The first fanfic I ever read online, nearly 10 years ago now, was a Spike/Angel mpreg piece, so I've always had a soft spot for it. There have a lot of scary ones (Paul McCartney impregnated by a woman, I'm still bleaching my subconscious to this day) but never have I read one as funny as this XD

In summation:

[User Picture]
From:[info]accio_arse
Date:February 2nd, 2008 09:00 am (UTC)
(Link)
I GOT A WIN! A baby win! YAAAAYYYY!

OMG, your first ever fanfic was MPreg? That's way off the deep end. I started with genfic, thank God. And Paul McCartney MPreg by a woman? Wow, I never want to read Beatles fanfic.

Although, having said that. Look what I just wrote. Hooray!
[User Picture]
From:[info]omarandjohnny
Date:February 2nd, 2008 09:19 am (UTC)

I think Bob needs a moist towelette.

(Link)
Yep, It was just one of those things you stumble upon in the tangled, and always tricksy intarwebz. They call me the Tricksy Stumbler.

Hmmm, maybe that's why I've yet to find anything anything that truly squicks me...I BLAME IT ON VAMPIRIC ASSBABIES.

And while I'm thinking of it- http://moisttowelettemuseum.com/


[User Picture]
From:[info]accio_arse
Date:February 3rd, 2008 04:26 am (UTC)

Re: I think Bob needs a moist towelette.

(Link)
OMG that website! Star Trek towellettes FTW!

It reminds me how I used to collect moist towelettes for years, like the ones you get on planes. I found it very hard to throw them out, even though their smell makes me want to retch. Eventually, I got over it. They are gone!

I was reading MPreg for ages and only heard the term 'ass-babies' last month. (Also clit-kids, in the same fic!) It made me spit out my tea. I think I'd been reading very polite, well-mannered MPreg before.
[User Picture]
From:[info]the_obscure
Date:February 2nd, 2008 11:47 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I suppose mpreg on principle, you know.

Also very much supporting stalls made from golden spoons, even though I didn't know it up to this moment.
[User Picture]
From:[info]accio_arse
Date:February 3rd, 2008 04:22 am (UTC)
(Link)
Well, in principle, like male sea horses and all that stuff - fine. But in practice?

You see, I don't even support fpreg in practice. Nasty, icky stuff. Violent and bizarre. Apart for with my female friends who actually have babies, of course. Then it's a sweet wonder of nature and a beautiful thing and their babies are all adorable. But how are they not afraid to have a creature growing inside them and eating from their essence? And that's just the start of it. Then they emerge.
[User Picture]
From:[info]the_obscure
Date:February 3rd, 2008 04:29 am (UTC)
(Link)
"Hating of People: the Early Years"

I thought we were only talking about fiction. Also, go you for seeing through my typos.

I'm not thrilled with babies. Kittens and puppies, now, is better. Although my cat had different opinions.
[User Picture]
From:[info]accio_arse
Date:February 3rd, 2008 04:36 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh, MPreg in fiction. Well, I've seen it handled well, and by good writers, and I've enjoyed reading it, but it still seems a little cracky to me.

It can be very interesting though. Any 'what if' scenario can be, where you go AU and turn the tables to comment on the way things are done at the moment.
[User Picture]
From:[info]the_obscure
Date:February 3rd, 2008 04:46 am (UTC)
(Link)
I support it on MB for different reasons than elsewhere.

Plus there's fandoms where it's not crack at all and in fact makes complete sense.

...And then there's the crack :)

Although I personally don't like when people use mpreg fics to play gender switch, that just lacks.. I mean, not in crack. In crack everything is fine. In more serious fics, doing mpreg when what the author is trying to do is some kind of gender switch, that's just... "so why don't you just do your social commentary without involving a baby in it", you know?

[User Picture]
From:[info]accio_arse
Date:February 3rd, 2008 05:16 am (UTC)
(Link)
You mean to have the pregnant man suddenly discover he's turned into a big girl cliche and then OMG the angst? I've only read a few mpregs, and they were all pretty good ones which remained true to the existing characters, but I can imagine that being done.

I don't see anything wrong with reflecting social reality in fanfic using mpreg, or any other subject for that matter. If it's out of context and annoying, surely it's just bad writing.

Anyway. Have some crack. I like crack.
[User Picture]
From:[info]the_obscure
Date:February 3rd, 2008 06:29 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you.

Reflecting social reality I support. Bringing raging sexism to the 1950s levels... not so much.

I'm talking about fics you don't know, so probably pointless discussion here :)
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