March 7th, 2009
|accio_arse||07:06 am - BEST BOOK EVER|
I have discovered perhaps the funniest book in the world. I'm nearly finished it and I've been laughing out loud, painfully, at least three times per page all the way through.
The book isn't even supposed to be funny. It's a genuine self-help book. But I find it irresistable, and on two counts. Firstly, it's translated from Japanese but really badly. They seem to have used an automatic translator so cue bizarre mistakes a-plenty. Secondly, and perhaps even more importantly, the author himself appears to be completely certifiable. Mistranslation plus lunacy. It's a fantastic combination.
Not convinced yet? Check out the title:
"How to Good-bye Depression If you constrict anus 100 times everyday. Malarkey? or Effective way?"
I'm really not making that up. That's the genuine title. Go see it on amazon if you don't believe me. And while you're there, why not read the pages of fantastic reviews that have been left by fans of the book? They're pretty funny too.
Okay, time for some quotes from the book. All mistakes in the quotes are intentional.
Firstly, here's what the author (Hiroyuki Nishigaki) has to say about the Bible:
"The Scriptures say "Kingdom is coming! Repent!". Repent is to change your bad feeling. Happy good feeling is power. Happy good feeling is proportionate to (1)doing some proper body-exercise such as constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times every day for at least 10 years patiently (2)the degree of your internal organ's strength (3)the ability to erase your dirty stickiness of your body...
And so on, up to point number 19.
All very well and good. But what if I happen to like my dirty stickiness and don't want to erase it? Mr Nishigaki advises:
If you do not agree to my thoughts, you had better stop reading my book and live like an animal in a safe zoo or a male giraffe living together with 10 female giraffes.
Okay... that made my options completely clear.
Mr Nishigaki talks at length about his own history of depression.
I have become very sensitive to the fever of depression that belongs to other people, domestic animals, dog, garden tree, potted plants, or the crops. Almost whenever the immaterial fibre or third attention of man or woman touches me, I feel as if I were touched by a mop soaked in warm urine.
Please, no more details! I get it! Depression equals bad! Please, I'll avoid depression!
But it doesn't stop with personal observations. Mr Nishigaki also has things to say about various public figures. For instance, ex-president Reagan.
Many people wondered why this third rate actor was able to elected as the president of U.S.A. Many people thought" I seem to have better head than that of Mr. Reagan's".
So what is Mr Reagan's secret? According to Mr Nishigaki:
The color of Mr. Reagan's spirit is white blue. Mr Reagan's spirit seems to be weak and sweet, but really incredibly enormous. His spirit can disarm anybody without orders or threat, and can use anybody freely without orders.
Ah, so that's how he did it! Now we know. All those times he was using people freely, it was due to his white blue spirit.
Similarly, with ex-president Bush:
The spirit of Mr. Bush is of red-orange color, has a secret weapon like a sharp dagger side-thrown by hand, and can enlarge to the same width of the state of California about 2 thousand km high.
Yeah, Mr Nishigaki, are you absolutely sure? I mean, a dagger? Two thousand km high? What are your sources on that?
To be honest, Mr Nishigaki doesn't make his anus method sound terribly attractive anyway. In the chapter entitled, "Save sex energy if possible" he advises:
You had better reduce the frequency of **and of ## to less than half If possible.
I think I understand what he means. I'm using my imagination here. Even so, there may be problems. He notes that:
If you are less than 40 or 50 years old, you may become impatient and want to rape secretively.
That's a nasty side effect, don't you think? Those pesky secretive rapings.
And even if you do save your sex energy successfully, what do you get at the end of it? I don't think it sounds that good.
Within a year, some part of your body may become painful, hot, and may shiver. Then, the root chakra between anus and sexual organ sometimes may begin to shoot out energy violently like a big blank.
Such a big blank is much more violent than nocturnal emission, diarrhea and **. You look into your brief secretively. Your brief is not wet or dirty, so you are very pleased to realise to become full of energy for the first time.
Besides shooting out a big blank from your buttock, you can feel as if your root chakra leaked sweet hot mucus. You can feel your root chakra as if it were an exciting womb.
Again, I repeat that I am not making any of this up. This is a genuine self-help book.
And anyone else enjoying the mental image of Mr Nishigaki looking secretively into his brief and being oh so very pleased when he notices he's not wet or dirty? Or perhaps that was that just me.
If it helps you visualise it, there's a picture of Mr Nishigaki on the back cover of his book.
Also, who has an exciting womb?
There was so much more to enjoy in this book. It's been so hard to pick out the highlights.
The first few chapters are a record of when Mr Nishigaki posted on a (totally bemused) online newsgroup for depression. They had no idea what to make of him. At one point Mr Nishigaki suggests that he found an 'Anus 100 Club'. Someone immediately responds, "Let me know if you do, I'll give you a plug." Then another one, "Will I have to grease any palms to get in?" "Sounds interesting - I might want to probe a little further." "Will membership of the club be constricted?" And finally "I THINK YOUR CLUB STINKS!!!!" Ah, people of the internets, you so funny. In the end, they cried troll on him. I'm not surprised. If I didn't know he was genuine, I'd think he was a wind-up too.
I bought the book for a present but I don't want to give it away. No!