Licking the Salt from the Biscuit of Life

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March 8th, 2009

10:05 am - Malarkey? or Effective way?
More quotes from the self-help book 'How to Good-bye Depression If you constrict anus 100 times everyday. Malarkey? or Effective way?' by Hiroyuki Nishigaki. Because it's just so good.

On the power of positive thinking:

It can be compared to putting the key word (positive thinking and positive self-image) into a personal computer that has fallen into heavy oil, sludge or sewage. You had better take the personal computer from heavy oil, sludge, sewage and wash-repair-make it run on electricity. Then you can put the key word into it and make it work for you.

I don't think that's how most IT professionals would do it, actually... especially after the sewage.

So after you have finished your positive thinking (and have sucessfully wash-repair-made the heavy oil, sludge or sewage from your personal computer):

So, practicing what I have written you had better imagine above-mentioned good feelings. Healthy strong liver gives you the feeling of light spring breeze or of a tree's sprout that can relax and seduce other people.

I see. That's handy. Now I have the feeling of a seductive sprout in my healthy strong liver. Must keep practicing my good feelings and it might grow into a full forest. I could use my liver to seduce whole armies. World peace, here I come!

But wait, there's more. If I'm really lucky, I might start dreaming of the spirit.

The spirit sticks its pipe into your physical body or your aura during your dreaming, too. In such a case, you had better grasp both the tip of the pipe and the pipe during your dreaming if you feel better about the feeling of its tip. You can keep grasping the spirit for longer time than you grasp only its tip. At 3 A.M yesterday I was aware that the tip of the spirit's pipe stuck in my right eye...

A spirit that likes to come at you in your sleep waving its pipe? That sometimes just wants you to grasp the tip, and other times just goes ahead and sticks the whole thing in your most sensitive places? I really don't like the sound of that. Mr Nishigaki seemed to though. He was a very happy man.

This book continues to entertain.

(2 deep thoughts received | Indulge your wild theories here)

March 7th, 2009

07:06 am - BEST BOOK EVER
I have discovered perhaps the funniest book in the world. I'm nearly finished it and I've been laughing out loud, painfully, at least three times per page all the way through.

The book isn't even supposed to be funny. It's a genuine self-help book. But I find it irresistable, and on two counts. Firstly, it's translated from Japanese but really badly. They seem to have used an automatic translator so cue bizarre mistakes a-plenty. Secondly, and perhaps even more importantly, the author himself appears to be completely certifiable. Mistranslation plus lunacy. It's a fantastic combination.

Not convinced yet? Check out the title:

"How to Good-bye Depression If you constrict anus 100 times everyday. Malarkey? or Effective way?"

I'm really not making that up. That's the genuine title. Go see it on amazon if you don't believe me. And while you're there, why not read the pages of fantastic reviews that have been left by fans of the book? They're pretty funny too.

Okay, time for some quotes from the book. All mistakes in the quotes are intentional. Read more... )

(6 deep thoughts received | Indulge your wild theories here)

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